he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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