I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
