Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
