i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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