I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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