Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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