I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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