I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I looked at my own cervix.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
