Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
