I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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