she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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