i don't like sucking hair
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You need a sexual gate keeper
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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