I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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