look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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