I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
