They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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