I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Even my vagina gasped.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
