I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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