Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish there were birth control emojis
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
