I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
