It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
time to smoke my breakfast
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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