I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
