If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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