She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize