my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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