I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
