apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
