he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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