I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
