so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
