She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
