arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
