Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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