Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
