thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
