I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
