no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I will be naked everywhere
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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