We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
