My room smells like vodka and shame
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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