i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
