Screwed.edu
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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