I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
