Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
