The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize