The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize