btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
