birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
