I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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