He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
