It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
