He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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