dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
