Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
