I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
