Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
