Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
