Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
