Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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