You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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