I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
