I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
